22 years old with a massive love for the world. New Jersey native, world traveler, volunteer, Yoga instructor, gardener, clean-eating vegetarian, lover of sunshine, recovered anorexic, and damn proud of it. on New Years Day our house burnt down.

read about my trips, nutrition, yoga, nature, and soul searchin'.

 

casualcolloquialism asked
Hey I'm moving to BG in August. I'm pretty freaked out too...if you wind up going we should be friends. :-)

Yes please! I’ll be there in January :)

tatasmcgee asked
Hey! Welcome to the BGSU community! Seems like it's gonna be a big change for you coming up but don't worry! Once you get here you'll feel right at home! Some of the absolute nicest people in the world go to BG and I'm sure you'll fit in just fine with us! Let me know if you have any questions about anything! I'll be more than happy to help! :) I'm going into my junior year here!

Every time I post about BGSU, I get a message from someone there welcoming me to Ohio :) You are awesome. Thank you!! See you in a few months :P

This is Colorado.

I made a friend from Denver that laughed at me for loving rocks so much. So she brought me to the biggest, most beautiful Red Rocks in Colorado!
Over 4th of July weekend I went out and spent the first three nights in Aspen at the St. Moritz Lodge. $63/night, shared room/bathroom. My last night was spent in Boulder with a really lovely friend I met in Guatemala.
I won a weekend pass to Wanderlust from the Little Hippies Foundation. Four days of music, yoga, health, and the outdoors.
Colorado was absolutely fascinating. Everyone was outside, walking, riding, hiking, climbing, rafting, running, dancing! There was land and space that they did NOTHING with! Not owned by anyone in particular, not even being used as a farm. Just open space. Grass that could grow as tall as it wanted until the snow came. What a bizarre concept. How foreign. What a peaceful place.
The people, the lifestyle, the attitude. It’s all so different from all the other places I have been. I for sure recommend it. Especially if you like rocks like I do.

This is Ohio.

June 19th & 20th, 2014.

This is Ohio. This is what the majority of Ohio seems to look like.
My guts keep bringing me back to Bowling Green.
A 9 hour drive to visit the school, to check out the town, to see if my intuition was at all on-point.

Ohio is more beautiful than everyone has made it sound. I actually kind of liked it. There is so much wide open space and green and quiet. I’ll be moving there in January, a Junior at Bowling Green State University. Majoring in International Studies and minoring in Public Health. I’ll be studying abroad for half of it.

I have fallen asleep in the same bedroom for 22 years. Moving is scary but exciting. New people, new food, new places, new experiences, new opportunities.

See you 5 months from today, Ohio.

streetlight

You are my best kept secret.
Or maybe the worst kept secret.

You are the moment in time I don’t talk about. The one thing I don’t share. That time that no one brings up because no one knows.
A place I didn’t want to be at with people I didn’t know, in an area I still don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if you even know my name. Then I wonder why I care or why you’re even in my head. Embarrassed, weak, ashamed, hurt, regretful, dirty, stupid, young. I know yours, and I even know the color of your eyes behind the glasses that you don’t wear anymore. It’s ironic because there were so many people there that I still see and share space with but I haven’t seen you since and no one knows. I’ve heard your name only a handful of times in the last 6 years and each time I cringe but it’s okay now. Moreso, I wish you are happy. I hope you are living a life you are proud of. I hope you have a better head on your shoulders than you did when you were 18. I know I am no longer that girl, and I’ve forgiven us both.

This wont leave my head. I guess it matters to my subconscious more than I admit. Hopefully it’s out now. Be gone, bad memories, I don’t have time for you anymore ~~~

I don’t write when I’m really sad, and I don’t write when I’m really happy.
I start writing when I finally hit that middle ground, where if I don’t write, I’ll probably explode. I’m not depressed and suffering, I’m strugglin and sad. I’ve been drinking coffee instead of water.

The other day I took it upon myself to drink all the gin in my house, lay in the sun in my front yard and type. A rare occurrence, but I brought up things I haven’t thought of in a long, long time. It was actually pretty freaky reading it sober. Sometimes drunk you has a lot more to offer than sober you. (Not normally.) It kind of hurt, but at least it’s out of my head now.

Yesterday I chose to lay on the couch with books, a French press full of Hibiscus and St John’s Wort, and the same clothes as the night before. I opened every book and looked at the words and put it back down, not finding what I needed. For about 7 hours. I binged on brown rice, brussels sprouts, and vegan chick pea cookie dough while I rewrote the same email and cried and cried.

Today after work I rolled out my mat and got rid of my apana in the form of tears. Bound Angle, and I wrote my feelings. Sun Salutations, I wrote my feelings. Pigeon, I wrote my feelings. My practice has become very Yin; I’m cool with it, I’ve got a lot of shit to release. Sometimes during poses I can watch the thoughts rise, so I write them down. Again, it was pretty freaky to read back and to connect the dots in my brain. It hurts.

But that’s where the work begins.

Fear

I am afraid of trying something new and failing.
I’m not sure how I define ‘failing.’
Maybe feeling embarrassed, or not being ‘good’ at it.
I’m not sure how I define ‘good.’
Yoga has shown me that ‘good’ is synonymous with ‘intention.’
If you do it with intention, it can’t be wrong.
Maybe incorrect or misaligned, but not wrong.

I am learning how to be okay with the unknown.
I am learning that in order to let go of fear,
I have to learn to live in the moment.
I have to be mindful of my words and my actions.
I have been so concerned about the next three years of my life,
that I am forgetting to live right now.
I have been stressed out, upset, anxious.
I stopped practicing, I stopped eating, I stopped trying.

What happens in the next three years is not entirely in my control.
I will make the choices that are seemingly best for me and my future.
That in and of itself is ridiculously tough to figure out.
What is within my control is how I react to those things.

In two weeks I am going to Ohio to visit Bowling Green, the only University that has resonated with me since I graduated high school in 2010. If I like it, I would be moving in December for two years and starting in January for my Bachelor’s degree. My long-distance boyfriend is coming to see if it is a place we could stay together until I graduate. I would be leaving my mom and my grandmother to do something for myself. If it isn’t somewhere that seems to work, I’m not sure what the next year will bring.

All of those things scare the shit out of me.
All of those those make me really excited for the future.

Seane Corn nominated me for a free 4-day pass to Wanderlust in California.

I’m going to Wanderlust in July

What is life
What is life
What is life

Weltschmerz

Mental depression or apathy caused by a comprrison of the actual state of the world with an ideal; A mood of sentimental sadness

Can I just mention that when I tell you my boyfriend and I broke up, the last thing I want to hear out of your mouth is, “Ha.” “Good, he sucks anyways.” or “Oh well.”

Since when have I told you to go fuck yourself when you came to me with your problems?