22 years old with a massive love for the world. New Jersey native, world traveler, volunteer, Yoga instructor, gardener, clean-eating vegetarian, lover of sunshine, recovered anorexic, and damn proud of it. on New Years Day our house burnt down.
read about my trips, nutrition, yoga, nature, and soul searchin'.
I am afraid of trying something new and failing.
I’m not sure how I define ‘failing.’
Maybe feeling embarrassed, or not being ‘good’ at it.
I’m not sure how I define ‘good.’
Yoga has shown me that ‘good’ is synonymous with ‘intention.’
If you do it with intention, it can’t be wrong.
Maybe incorrect or misaligned, but not wrong.
I am learning how to be okay with the unknown.
I am learning that in order to let go of fear,
I have to learn to live in the moment.
I have to be mindful of my words and my actions.
I have been so concerned about the next three years of my life,
that I am forgetting to live right now.
I have been stressed out, upset, anxious.
I stopped practicing, I stopped eating, I stopped trying.
What happens in the next three years is not entirely in my control.
I will make the choices that are seemingly best for me and my future.
That in and of itself is ridiculously tough to figure out.
What is within my control is how I react to those things.
In two weeks I am going to Ohio to visit Bowling Green, the only University that has resonated with me since I graduated high school in 2010. If I like it, I would be moving in December for two years and starting in January for my Bachelor’s degree. My long-distance boyfriend is coming to see if it is a place we could stay together until I graduate. I would be leaving my mom and my grandmother to do something for myself. If it isn’t somewhere that seems to work, I’m not sure what the next year will bring.
All of those things scare the shit out of me.
All of those those make me really excited for the future.
Seane Corn nominated me for a free 4-day pass to Wanderlust in California.
I’m going to Wanderlust in July
What is life
What is life
What is life
Mental depression or apathy caused by a comprrison of the actual state of the world with an ideal; A mood of sentimental sadness
Can I just mention that when I tell you my boyfriend and I broke up, the last thing I want to hear out of your mouth is, “Ha.” “Good, he sucks anyways.” or “Oh well.”
Since when have I told you to go fuck yourself when you came to me with your problems?
Thank you for sharing that! I try to be as open as I can be, it’s the only way to get it out. I did a lot of stupid shit for a while, but every day is a new day. Our moms are coping in their own ways. When he died I asked my big cousin how she does it without her dad, and she said “it’s never gunna be easy, but it gets easier.” I hold on to that hard. He may be in the ground, but he’s always in your heart!
I’ve been trying hard lately. Working out pathways through my brain to try to just let go of some of the fucking bullshit I keep stacked up in there. It’s tough, man. It’s tough to even start, but to continue? Shit…
Yesterday my therapist asked “if it’s better in the long-run that my dad isn’t alive.” I was completely taken by surprise. If she was anyone else I probably would have knocked her out then and there.
My dad was my best friend. But he was sick. He suffered in a lot of ways, a lot of the time. He was my favorite dude. I was a total daddy’s girl. But if he was still alive, I can’t –and don’t want to- imagine the amount of pain he would be in. The amount of pain my entire family would be in. I remember my mom referring to his death as a ‘weight off of her shoulders,’ and it hurt. But really, it may have hurt him and everyone around him more if he had stuck around for much longer. In a different way, of course.
It hurts in a way I can’t describe having this empty hole in my heart that my father wasn’t able to watch me grow past middle school. He couldn’t watch me graduate high school or get my Associates Degree, or become a Yoga instructor or plan my upcoming leave for college. He was never able to meet my nieces and nephew and he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle (if and when I make that silly decision).
But I guess he is there, somewhere, somehow, wherever. I don’t believe in Heaven as a place in the sky where dead people look down from. I think he’s buried 6 feet under, and I think that makes things harder to cope with. I haven’t felt his spirit and he hasn’t been in my dreams in years. He hasn’t sent me any signs and I don’t know what he’s waiting for. He’s probably taking a nap like always.
My life would be really different if he had stayed alive. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have dated some of the guys I did. I wouldn’t have started smoking pot and I wouldn’t have drank nearly as much as I have in the last few years. Those three factors play into a massive part of the choices I’ve made and who I’ve become. But I also wouldn’t travel. I wouldn’t have left him. And that has shaped me into the big-hearted person I am. My eating disorder wouldn’t have spiraled so out of control, so maybe I never would have found myself.
I would be a completely different person, but I like who I am now. It’s taken a really long time, and it’s still an everyday choice to love myself. But I learned how, and I’m trying to learn how to help other people love themselves.
So I guess he’s there, everywhere, in everything. I guess he doesn’t need to be in a place called Heaven and I don’t need to believe in a guy named Jesus Christ. It makes no difference. He’s with me all the time, more and more every day. I’ve made the choice to rid myself of the crummy influences I used to surround myself with. I’ve decided to do what I love and help myself. It’s taken a really long time, and it’s still an everyday choice to help myself. But I’m learning how, and I’m trying to learn how to help other people help themselves.
PS, it still fucking blows that my dad is dead.
It’s hard to see you and still keep all my guts inside.
The babe I stayed with in Guatemala made his way to Jersey last week. He let me let him in and changed my mind all around. I’m flying to Canada in 2 weeks!
It’s very possible! TR South 2010. Accidental Seabirds are most definitely one of my favorite bands!