21 years old with a massive love for the world. new jersey native, world traveler, volunteer, Yoga instructor, clean-eating vegetarian, lover of sunshine, recovered anorexic, and damn proud of it.
i'm here to motivate!
read about my trips, nutrition, yoga, nature, and myself ! :)
“Did you just say your a good listener?! You talk a lot, have a conversation sometimes but I’m not sure you ever listen. Not a bad thing you have lots of cool things to say but I’m not even sure you listen when you talk.”
Sometimes it’s nice to have people point out the negative. And be totally honest. I believe in constructive criticism. I like it. I appreciate it.
It’s the things you realize you don’t like about yourself, so you pretend you don’t realize them, so you don’t have to try to fix them. Ya know?
Finding a balance between awkward and rude ////////
Well, here’s to improving my listening skills!
I need you to keep me grounded.
What else is a rock for?
I’m sorry sometimes I forget.
I love you I love you I love you.
Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides (via fingeorge)
January 2, 2008. Age 15.
I would love to write my New Year’s Resolutions.
I would put them on this paper here.
I’d try to conquer my greatest fears.
I’d click the keys and type my goals,
but there’s really nothing to fill my holes.
I’d put my problems to a rest,
I’d open textbooks and do my best.
I’d stop crying because of Dad,
but he’s best father I ever had.
Maybe I’d try to lose some weight,
But there is nothing more than that I hate.
I’d make new friends and keep the old,
I’d head out west and mine for gold!
I’d go out and try new things,
But I guess we’ll see what Santa brings.
Maybe my goals sound kinda strange,
But I know this year, I won’t change.
It’s 1:00am and maybe you just spoke to me. In such a subtle way we take for granted, “I still see you inside of this god-awful house. You move awfully quiet now. I still see you everywhere. You told me this is all worth living, but what’s really worth living anymore?”
I want that feeling back
Of knowing I’m getting closer and closer,
Driving down that long, windy road
Just to end up at your house
It’s peculiar how often I think about my dad and how little I talk about him.
It’s also peculiar how often my family thinks about my dad and how little we talk about him.
He is my dad, after all. Our dad, your dad, your uncle, Mom’s husband, your son. But when’s the last time you said his name? Gosh, we sure buried him in the ground (get it?).
This Christmas he will have been 100. Not quite, but about.
"Your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out or dies or is never at home… What do you believe about God?" Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
So every winter kind of sucks, of course because Christmas is my dad’s birthday. I grew up being told that the lights were for his birthday, not the baby Jesus. Why you guys all celebrating Papa Duke’s birthday when we stopped? We used to do it big, but now I never really even see my dad’s side of the family, and our decorations are less than mediocre. He’d be bummed.
But it also sucks because then he died at like 1 AM on February 4th, 2006. And my birthday is right smack in the middle so like, hey Em, you’re 14 now… BAM Dad’s dead, seeeee yaaaa. He got sick on Monday and died on Saturday.
Sometimes it’s like he was never even real. Imagine that!
I look at pictures of us and I can remember that moment, for the most part at least. I like to, but he seems so far away. Then there comes that wave of sadness remembering stuff from back then.. And soon enough it’s like, why did I start thinking about this stuff in the first place? He’s gone. I remember I smelled his cologne one time like 4 years ago and felt so sick to my stomach. It’s weird, how humans are so sensory like that, isn’t it? So in the winters I tend to get pretty bummed. It used to be way worse but time wounds all heels, right?
But so anyways, I’m coping, it fuckin’ sucks, it gets easier, yada yada.
I’ve had this phenomenon that keeps going through my head, with these anniversaries coming up and all, and I’ve been doing some soul searchin’ (like totally, bro) more than ever and so I start to notice things about myself (whooooaaa…) and anyways.
Girls get made fun of for having Daddy Issues, but I notice how it comes out in men, too and it’s so interesting.
So anyways, I’ve concluded that: I get myself into these long relationships because I have no male figures in my life. So there’s none of that feeling of strength and protection and love and all those other feelings that you feel towards your dads. Ya know? So I seek that, without even realizing it. (Isn’t that saying something like, ‘you marry a man like your father’ or something? Idk whatever.)
But so I take note on guys’ interactions with their pops, too, and it’s just as interesting. Two old boyfriends, they had strong, kinda scary dads, but they were around, and their boys are kind of tough and scary now, too. they were totally all about the relationship, though. One lied a lot, one was incredibly honest. And I dated a guy whose dad died when he was about 4, and a guy whose dad isn’t around because he just really fuckin’ sucks, and when it got to the relationship, feelings, kinda stuff, they both just lacked so much confidence and were super gushy and sad. One lied a lot, one was incredibly honest. I hope you understand what I mean when I say gushy, cos I can’t think of a better word for their lack of… backbone. And a guy whose dad is there, but doesn’t have a word to say.. he’s just stinkin’ stone cold, man. Always honest, I hope. Interesting, though, no? You don’t really get to see that side of people until you spend long periods of time with them.
So, that’s all I’ve got. I have felt the need to put that into writing recently. Especially, recently.
(And to answer the question, I don’t believe in God!)
How do you feel about your dads? Where are they? Do you tell the world about them enough? I hope you hug them enough. My dad was a cool, dude. What about yours?
"Maybe the reality of you just isn’t as good as the idea of you"
"Don’t be like your father.
Don’t go to fifteen different doctors just to ignore everything they tell you to do.”
Hey Emily. I came to tender heart through ivhq. They placed me here after I demanded to leave my first placement. My first placement was an organization called miracle orphanage and school. I have no concrete evidence that it was corrupt but it was definitely sketchy and I have no doubt that it was in fact corrupt. The owner of the orphanage who was also my accommodation has the biggest house in faridabad and lives in luxury while simultaneously complaining about how he is in serious debt. He ruses volunteers into giving money to him for the kids but none of the money seems to be going to them. The kids live in squalor. They didn’t have enough beds and what beds they do have are infested with bugs. The kids have lice so bad that one girl had to be hospitalized for a scalp infection. To top it off, he even told me a preposterous story about how he died and came back to life through the power of Jesus.
I am going to send you my past emails and you’ll be able to read the whole ordeal, but what essentially seemed to be going on was the owner of the orphanage was using money from volunteers, churches in the UK and USA, and other sources for his own benefit and not for the benefit of the children.
I love tender heart but there are also many issues with this organization as well. Naturally though, as India has a lot of issues in general. I’ll be getting in to them in my next letter to everyone. I must ask that if you share these letters on Facebook to not tag me in them. I don’t mind at all if you share them online but I’m friends with people from tender heart on Facebook and I write about issues within the school in some of the letters.
As for India, I find most of the housing to be fine for me. Everything is dirty though and there are bugs everywhere. Its just the way of life here. As for transportation, its rather efficient for the most part, minus the traffic. Getting around in one city fine because you can take an auto rickshaw everywhere and cheaply. Traveling between cities though takes forever as India has no highways. Trains are cheap but take forever as well and are annoying to book.
I’m so excited for you to do TEFL. Where do you think you’d want to teach if not Asia? I have been considering doing TEFL as well. I however would love to work in Asia I’m glad your doing these presentations. Its a good way to recruit people to make a difference in this world. Keep being the change you want to see in the world. You should be very proud of yourself.